yep...love you

two years now.....each day....more love....more joy....more life.


No you.

My Family

This is my family. This is what you are missing. This is why life is worth living. Today, I feel like you're missing out. The fish are calling you. The blueberries are starting to reawaken and who will be there to pick them when they are ready to be picked? Who will gather the unseen agates on the shores of the mother lake? Who will tend to the little trees on your land that still yearns for your return? Only so much can happen in spirit.

Seth's Departure

My brother, Seth, is slated to arrive in Iraq in late July, arriving on the 28th. He just completed his desert training.

Emotions are coursing through my being.... and I feel angry. I feel angry that there's war anywhere. I want it all to end. Can it? Will it? I pray everyday for peace. I pray everday for the safety of all, of children, of women, of men. Let there be love, a love profusion.

So, this is my prayer for the world today. It happens to come in the form of a madonna song. Shanti

MADONNA LYRICS

"Love Profusion"

There are too many questions
There is not one solution
There is no resurrection
There is so much confusion

And the love profusion
You make me feel
You make me know
And the love vibration
You make me feel
You make it shine

There are too many options
There is no consolation
I have lost my illusions
What I want is an explanation

And the love profusion
You make me feel
You make me know
And the love direction
You make me feel
You make me shine
You make me feel
You make me shine
You make me feel

I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin

There is no comprehension
There is real isolation
There is so much destruction
What I want is a celebration

And I know I can feel bad
When I get in a bad mood
And the world can look so sad
Only you make me feel good

I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin

I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin

And the love profusion
You make me feel
You make me know
And the love intention
You make me feel
You make me shine
You make me feel
You make me shine
You make me feel

I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin

And I know I can feel bad
When I get in a bad mood
And the world can look so sad
Only you make me feel good

Dreams

Dreams can be helpful. Dreams can be frustrating. Dreams can be painful. And all of the above.

Death was rampant in my dreams last night. Death of a baby, death of a sister, death of loved ones, death death death. I've had a lot of emotions building inside of me over the week, relating to my brother, Seth, leaving for Fort Carson in CO, and about my dad and my mom and the great upheaval in my sense of roots. I have never felt more alone in my story. I also learned more about my father's choices after the death of my brother, Abraham, who was born premature and lived only one week. My father was AWOL and left my mother to tend to her two young children. I cannot begin to tell you the emotional psychological elements of my being that began during that trying time that I am still struggling with and probably will for a long while still. Early childhood trauma sets a person up for all kinds of core issues, prime for adulthood drama.

Death is everywhere. Always, constant, in every moment, in every occasion. This will never happen again...I often feel, as we move through a moment, a dying moment. I feel the time pass, and know that it was unique, and will never have it again. Often I feel myself rebelling against capturing time, with modern media, because it only reminds me of the death of that moment, and I have yet to see the other side of the picture and revel in the life of the moment that was. I only remember the loss.

I have great tears within me this morning. And feel utterly alone. I can handle it. I am handling it. It's just how I feel. And I am good with emotions. But there are times when sleep is the only escape, and then I dream.

So, here I am, turning 30 in 2 weeks. And I feel more alive than ever, in my human nirvana as I would call it. All of the human experience is the human nirvana. All emotions, experiences, the vast realm of humanity.

And a nod to Charlton Heston, who was a favorite actor of mine in my teens (I like classic movies over most new releases). As an adult, I found myself less enchanted with the real person, but still very fond of my Ben Hur. Thank you for your intense eyes and strong shoulders. It made me smile and giggle as a girly girl would.

One Great Illusion

Then just this morning another friend wrote this to me: "My 'belief' is simple. Death is the one great illusion. And I've had enough of my friends who left come back and visit with me from time to time to 'prove' to me that even though they're not still wearing their physical bodies as I knew them- they are still around! Likely you will be too!"

--This is from a yahoo discussion group I am with and wanted to share it with you.

A Dream

In my dream, we were walking your land and discussing the future of the land and your hopes of it benefiting the family. In my dream you knew you were going to die, that it was going to happen on a specific date and that you were tending to everything best as you could. It was nice to be with you again. I've missed you. Our last time together was actually walking your land and talking about your dreams for it. I thank you for that walk and your words, and a part of me knew something was special about it because I gave you the time to talk and think and share during the walk. I'm glad I honored you as you shared your dream with me.

Then the dream shifted into a holiday dinner with the Hunt family and everyone was IM-ing about when the food would be ready. The only food the sounded good in my dream were the veggies that my father-in-law had prepared. I guess I'm hungry.

One Word

I was supposedly co-hosting a gathering yesterday with my dear friend. Instead I found myself stumbling over my own fears and watery darkness, all because of one word. The word spoken does not matter but hit me to my core, and challenged my living light. It still does. It was more than the word that came, for I remembered.

I remembered the way my father would always put his work down, saying it was not this or that, too much or too little, but never good or even good enough. In his mind he was never good enough. At a young age my father's life was physically limited due to a logging accident. This changed his outlook forever, for what he wanted was no longer physically possible. A very harsh reality for a young teen. My father also had his father, and one told me that he remembered may two times when he received praise from his dad. My dad grew up not feeling enough, not having a sense of fullness when he truly accomplished something worthwhile, always second rate or worse, never good enough.

So I grew up with that mentality as well. Like my son, I echo whatever is the strongest energy is the space that I am in. My father was the dominate energy in my life, though my mother was the dominate parent. And because of my father's deep deep seated pattern of poor self-esteem, I, too, have the same pattern. But I am aware of the my power to change my patterns. I don't feel trapped. But I do feel my depths.

My depths... once I go there, I keep going. Where all the thoughts of my shadow emerge, taunting me, racing to drag me down even more. It's not depression, it's beyond depression. It's the depths of one's shadow, the darkness within. All the thoughts, emotions, and energetic experiences of one's lifetime(s), pooling together to create shadow and light. And I am being drawn down into my shadow

But what I don't fear is the trip. I know, with experience, that my shadow only yields light, and I am living light. I am not afraid to be in my shadow. I spoke of it last night, one of the few times I spoke- heal yourself and you heal the world. I am going into shadow to heal myself, and my world. I am ready and I am doing it.

I was immensely thankful that my co-host could carry the energy of the group. I was taken back by the word and I had to go inward. I am thankful, very thankful, for my dear friend and her wisdom and power. It was a gift to be in her energy last night.