Dear Dad

I wasn't sure if I wanted to create this website just yet. It came to me yesterday that I needed a forum to communicate to you and a webjournal is right up my alley. Even though you'll never read these words, I still feel a part of this will reach you, if just the love I have for you. It's been a day less a month since you passed away. Some things are harder for me now, such as looking at your picture, and thinking about mom being alone. Some things are easier, such as singing your songs and thinking about my children not having you around anymore. And I miss you just as much if not more.

We're all having a beautiful evening. The kids and Ryan are watching a muppet dvd. I'm taking some quiet time. My children are so big. Little Nahni is so big and strong. She's five weeks old now. I wish you could've met her before you died. It's one of the sadest points in my grieving process. I understand your timing, I really do. I also understand so much about your life and appreciate all that you were able to do and give. You are my hero, dear father, and I am incredibly thankful and blessed to have you for my father.

Everyday is beautiful. I have much in my life that is because of you. My appreciation for hard work, for the beauty of nature, the joy of playing with my children, the love of good pancakes, and so much more. Every day I am blessed because of you.

I don't wish you were still here and in the physical form you were in. I am glad for your peace and freedom. But I still miss you, terribly so. Somedays I'm angry, and just angry- not at you or anyone. And somedays I'm just sad. I'm not hiding my feelings and am trying to find peaceful means to exploring my grief, and honoring my process. I asked Ryan for a big boom drum from Hoveys for my birthday. Something I can beat long and hard instead of breaking my floor with a crock pot. I also wish you could've seen our kitchen. I think you would've liked it.

There's much left to be desired since you passed. I will always miss you, but am glad you're free. I love you dad.