One Word

I was supposedly co-hosting a gathering yesterday with my dear friend. Instead I found myself stumbling over my own fears and watery darkness, all because of one word. The word spoken does not matter but hit me to my core, and challenged my living light. It still does. It was more than the word that came, for I remembered.

I remembered the way my father would always put his work down, saying it was not this or that, too much or too little, but never good or even good enough. In his mind he was never good enough. At a young age my father's life was physically limited due to a logging accident. This changed his outlook forever, for what he wanted was no longer physically possible. A very harsh reality for a young teen. My father also had his father, and one told me that he remembered may two times when he received praise from his dad. My dad grew up not feeling enough, not having a sense of fullness when he truly accomplished something worthwhile, always second rate or worse, never good enough.

So I grew up with that mentality as well. Like my son, I echo whatever is the strongest energy is the space that I am in. My father was the dominate energy in my life, though my mother was the dominate parent. And because of my father's deep deep seated pattern of poor self-esteem, I, too, have the same pattern. But I am aware of the my power to change my patterns. I don't feel trapped. But I do feel my depths.

My depths... once I go there, I keep going. Where all the thoughts of my shadow emerge, taunting me, racing to drag me down even more. It's not depression, it's beyond depression. It's the depths of one's shadow, the darkness within. All the thoughts, emotions, and energetic experiences of one's lifetime(s), pooling together to create shadow and light. And I am being drawn down into my shadow

But what I don't fear is the trip. I know, with experience, that my shadow only yields light, and I am living light. I am not afraid to be in my shadow. I spoke of it last night, one of the few times I spoke- heal yourself and you heal the world. I am going into shadow to heal myself, and my world. I am ready and I am doing it.

I was immensely thankful that my co-host could carry the energy of the group. I was taken back by the word and I had to go inward. I am thankful, very thankful, for my dear friend and her wisdom and power. It was a gift to be in her energy last night.