My Family

This is my family. This is what you are missing. This is why life is worth living. Today, I feel like you're missing out. The fish are calling you. The blueberries are starting to reawaken and who will be there to pick them when they are ready to be picked? Who will gather the unseen agates on the shores of the mother lake? Who will tend to the little trees on your land that still yearns for your return? Only so much can happen in spirit.

Seth's Departure

My brother, Seth, is slated to arrive in Iraq in late July, arriving on the 28th. He just completed his desert training.

Emotions are coursing through my being.... and I feel angry. I feel angry that there's war anywhere. I want it all to end. Can it? Will it? I pray everyday for peace. I pray everday for the safety of all, of children, of women, of men. Let there be love, a love profusion.

So, this is my prayer for the world today. It happens to come in the form of a madonna song. Shanti

MADONNA LYRICS

"Love Profusion"

There are too many questions
There is not one solution
There is no resurrection
There is so much confusion

And the love profusion
You make me feel
You make me know
And the love vibration
You make me feel
You make it shine

There are too many options
There is no consolation
I have lost my illusions
What I want is an explanation

And the love profusion
You make me feel
You make me know
And the love direction
You make me feel
You make me shine
You make me feel
You make me shine
You make me feel

I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin

There is no comprehension
There is real isolation
There is so much destruction
What I want is a celebration

And I know I can feel bad
When I get in a bad mood
And the world can look so sad
Only you make me feel good

I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin

I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin

And the love profusion
You make me feel
You make me know
And the love intention
You make me feel
You make me shine
You make me feel
You make me shine
You make me feel

I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin
I got you under my skin

And I know I can feel bad
When I get in a bad mood
And the world can look so sad
Only you make me feel good

Dreams

Dreams can be helpful. Dreams can be frustrating. Dreams can be painful. And all of the above.

Death was rampant in my dreams last night. Death of a baby, death of a sister, death of loved ones, death death death. I've had a lot of emotions building inside of me over the week, relating to my brother, Seth, leaving for Fort Carson in CO, and about my dad and my mom and the great upheaval in my sense of roots. I have never felt more alone in my story. I also learned more about my father's choices after the death of my brother, Abraham, who was born premature and lived only one week. My father was AWOL and left my mother to tend to her two young children. I cannot begin to tell you the emotional psychological elements of my being that began during that trying time that I am still struggling with and probably will for a long while still. Early childhood trauma sets a person up for all kinds of core issues, prime for adulthood drama.

Death is everywhere. Always, constant, in every moment, in every occasion. This will never happen again...I often feel, as we move through a moment, a dying moment. I feel the time pass, and know that it was unique, and will never have it again. Often I feel myself rebelling against capturing time, with modern media, because it only reminds me of the death of that moment, and I have yet to see the other side of the picture and revel in the life of the moment that was. I only remember the loss.

I have great tears within me this morning. And feel utterly alone. I can handle it. I am handling it. It's just how I feel. And I am good with emotions. But there are times when sleep is the only escape, and then I dream.

So, here I am, turning 30 in 2 weeks. And I feel more alive than ever, in my human nirvana as I would call it. All of the human experience is the human nirvana. All emotions, experiences, the vast realm of humanity.

And a nod to Charlton Heston, who was a favorite actor of mine in my teens (I like classic movies over most new releases). As an adult, I found myself less enchanted with the real person, but still very fond of my Ben Hur. Thank you for your intense eyes and strong shoulders. It made me smile and giggle as a girly girl would.

One Great Illusion

Then just this morning another friend wrote this to me: "My 'belief' is simple. Death is the one great illusion. And I've had enough of my friends who left come back and visit with me from time to time to 'prove' to me that even though they're not still wearing their physical bodies as I knew them- they are still around! Likely you will be too!"

--This is from a yahoo discussion group I am with and wanted to share it with you.