Dreams

Dreams can be helpful. Dreams can be frustrating. Dreams can be painful. And all of the above.

Death was rampant in my dreams last night. Death of a baby, death of a sister, death of loved ones, death death death. I've had a lot of emotions building inside of me over the week, relating to my brother, Seth, leaving for Fort Carson in CO, and about my dad and my mom and the great upheaval in my sense of roots. I have never felt more alone in my story. I also learned more about my father's choices after the death of my brother, Abraham, who was born premature and lived only one week. My father was AWOL and left my mother to tend to her two young children. I cannot begin to tell you the emotional psychological elements of my being that began during that trying time that I am still struggling with and probably will for a long while still. Early childhood trauma sets a person up for all kinds of core issues, prime for adulthood drama.

Death is everywhere. Always, constant, in every moment, in every occasion. This will never happen again...I often feel, as we move through a moment, a dying moment. I feel the time pass, and know that it was unique, and will never have it again. Often I feel myself rebelling against capturing time, with modern media, because it only reminds me of the death of that moment, and I have yet to see the other side of the picture and revel in the life of the moment that was. I only remember the loss.

I have great tears within me this morning. And feel utterly alone. I can handle it. I am handling it. It's just how I feel. And I am good with emotions. But there are times when sleep is the only escape, and then I dream.

So, here I am, turning 30 in 2 weeks. And I feel more alive than ever, in my human nirvana as I would call it. All of the human experience is the human nirvana. All emotions, experiences, the vast realm of humanity.

And a nod to Charlton Heston, who was a favorite actor of mine in my teens (I like classic movies over most new releases). As an adult, I found myself less enchanted with the real person, but still very fond of my Ben Hur. Thank you for your intense eyes and strong shoulders. It made me smile and giggle as a girly girl would.